Comb-over in chief wannabe bows out

That was quick!

"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency," said Donald Trump in a statement released earlier today. "This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."

We now return to our previously scheduled programming...